Give it a Try

Pretend it’s the day after Labor Day, okay? The time of year that always excites me.

The crisp air on the walk to the first day of school. It could be hotter than the fourth of July, but for some reason when school started, the air released its humidity and instead of a hurried, stifling rush, the walk turned into a saunter. The night before would bring those nervous butterflies filled with anticipation and excitement and unanswered questions that the following school months would answer. Who am I? Will I pass? Will I make new friends? Will people like me? What time is lunch?

Times have changed and numerous schools open the week before Labor Day. Times have changed to change the date, but the butterflies and questions somewhat remain the same. Who am I? Do I feel successful in the way I define success? Am I taking care of myself? How will I stay connected with my friends and colleagues? Am I doing my best? And the final question on the list – When will I eat lunch?

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Love versus Respect

Why do some relationships succeed and others fail? Is it Love? Does Love conquer all? Love can see it through and make it all better?

Love is a much needed element but the type of love and the willingness to give love can be the difference in having concrete or straw as the foundation in a relationship. While love feels amazing and inspiring, it often feels more like a verb – it has movement, depth and intensity that is weighted by the giver and receiver. It is an emotion that can be manipulated based on circumstances.
Relationships need Love and Respect and Respect trumps Love, every time.
Respect is as deep and as abiding as Love and runs even deeper like stronger roots twisting intensively down into the earth. Impenetrable. It is a noun – a present and ever-changing thing. A tree is a tree regardless of the on-looker’s feelings about the tree.

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Funerals are for the Living

One of my most treasured relatives tells me that funerals are for the living. Funerals are for a time to remember and support and a way of showing the living that there is a reason to live. Depending on your religious or non-religious affiliation, there is an after-life or the body just ceases to exist; either way, the departed has moved on. The living is left with struggle, disappointment, pain, hurt, surprise, despair and sometimes eventually peace.

Given the news of Robin Williams’s death, it would make sense for me to use this space as an homage to all of the celebrities and “notables” who were tortured souls dealing with mental illness and/or substance abuse. I could talk about all of the talent, the feelings of inadequacy some of them may have felt, masking pain and living out-of-step with healthy mental well-being. But, I will leave that to all of the experts and all of the newsanchors who “are trying to make sense of it all.”

Instead, I’d like to focus on the suffering souls of the loved ones who suffer with the tortured. Those who stay up all night with worry, those who wonder if today is the day my loved one will truly self-destruct, those who feel inadequate because their love isn’t enough.

What I have to say to you is simply, do your best and STILL take care of yourself. Deal with your own sadness and anxiety by reaching out to people outside of the tortured soul.

Many years ago, I read The Suicidal Mind by Edwin S. Shneidman and the book echoed what I had been trained to know about the folks in pain. Folks in despair own it and vacuous depths of their pain is often held in secret. My job is to try to show alternatives, give support and resources and ultimately use and believe in hope when the tortured can’t see any signs of hope. Ultimately what I know is that their pain is not about me which gives me the freedom to know that I am a stop on the journey; I am not solely responsible for the journey.

This is my hope for those living in torture, with the tortured. Share your love and compassion everyday, keep hope in your heart, appreciate being part of and not responsible for their journey and take care of your sadness by finding support for you.

If you know of someone in need or you need professional support, contact your insurance company for mental health providers in your area, contact the National Alliance for Mental Illness for resources and support groups, ask your primary care physician for resources, and step up your courage to ask to friends and associates for suggestions on where to go for help. I know people fear stigma, but that is coming from a place of shame and when used negatively, shame can only breed more pain.

Funerals are for the Living

One of my most treasured relatives tells me that funerals are for the living. Funerals are for a time to remember and support and a way of showing the living that there is a reason to live. Depending on your religious or non-religious affiliation, there is an after-life or the body just ceases to exist; either way, the departed has moved on. The living is left with struggle, disappointment, pain, hurt, surprise, despair and sometimes eventually peace.

Given the news of Robin Williams’s death, it would make sense for me to use this space as an homage to all of the celebrities and “notables” who were tortured souls dealing with mental illness and/or substance abuse. I could talk about all of the talent, the feelings of inadequacy some of them may have felt, masking pain and living out-of-step with healthy mental well-being. But, I will leave that to all of the experts and all of the newsanchors who “are trying to make sense of it all.”

Instead, I’d like to focus on the suffering souls of the loved ones who suffer with the tortured. Those who stay up all night with worry, those who wonder if today is the day my loved one will truly self-destruct, those who feel inadequate because their love isn’t enough.

What I have to say to you is simply, do your best and STILL take care of yourself. Deal with your own sadness and anxiety by reaching out to people outside of the tortured soul.

Many years ago, I read The Suicidal Mind by Edwin S. Shneidman and the book echoed what I had been trained to know about the folks in pain. Folks in despair own it and vacuous depths of their pain is often held in secret. My job is to try to show alternatives, give support and resources and ultimately use and believe in hope when the tortured can’t see any signs of hope. Ultimately what I know is that their pain is not about me which gives me the freedom to know that I am a stop on the journey; I am not solely responsible for the journey.

This is my hope for those living in torture, with the tortured. Share your love and compassion everyday, keep hope in your heart, appreciate being part of and not responsible for their journey and take care of your sadness by finding support for you.

If you know of someone in need or you need professional support, contact your insurance company for mental health providers in your area, contact the National Alliance for Mental Illness for resources and support groups, ask your primary care physician for resources, and step up your courage to ask to friends and associates for suggestions on where to go for help. I know people fear stigma, but that is coming from a place of shame and when used negatively, shame can only breed more pain.

An Unfortunate, Yet Fortunate Disappearing Act

What I’ve noticed about me, about the people I serve and about folks, in general, is that change comes when you’re ready and most of the time when you’re not ready. When change comes, it’s about how you address the change that brings life lessons.

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Soundtracks and Wind Machines

There have been days I step out of my house looking so good and smelling so fresh “I’m about to call the paparazzi on myself!” (Big thanks to Jay-Z for that line). On those days, I have my favorite songs playing in my head and I am strutting down the cement walkway like it’s a red carpet and a wind machine is blowing my hair.

Then I get stuck in traffic or realize after all this prancing, I’m running late or forget to get my lunch or remember my calendar is filled and I won’t get home until after 9pm despite starting the day at 5:45am.

The soundtrack screeches to a halt. The wind machine stops blowing. I trip on the broken pavement.

Throughout my day, I go through the usual routine and attempt to dredge up better spirits. Despite my best effort, sometimes it seems I can’t get energized and I realize I just need to get through the day and wait for 10:30pm to crawl into bed and hope the next day is better.

However, there are other days when I look in the mirror and say, “Come on now. Pull it together!” I reflect on ways I could have taken better care of myself and perhaps planned a little better. I tell myself, “Alright, this day sucks” and sometimes saying it out loud is freeing. It allows my mood to separate from what’s happening. Crappy events don’t necessarily mean one must have a crappy mood.

I remain open to the chance of lifting my spirits by having a pleasant conversation with someone, reading something funny and having a good belly laugh. These things help me to remember my fabulousness and I sing my favorite songs to an audience of me and begin prancing. The red carpet rolls out and I feel the wind in my hair.

What About Me?

“I’m depressed my daggone self”. Poor grammar notwithstanding, this is a phrase that resonates. We’ve heard family and friends complain that they must always “do” for others and that statement implies they don’t have anything left to give; but, they do.

They keep giving and keep complaining and everyone around them is convinced that’s how they must want life to be – self-sacrificing and complaining givers who just give and complain.

The complaints are a cry-for-help. The complainers want attention, support and acknowledgement. The complainer wants to be singled out and exalted and when that doesn’t happen, they complain more but don’t change.

The fix for this horrific cycle of misery is for the complainer to build a boundary. Emotional boundaries like physical boundaries mark limits. They are clear, precise structures that indicate the contents of acceptable behavior for self. Boundaries help to answer the question, “What About Me?” by accepting limits. Begin to seek out the complaints as an outline of growth. Identify the subjects of the complaint and begin to make a plan of self-care. If ‘being there” for others or “doing for others” does not give a sense of fulfillment but is marked with complaints, then it’s time to begin building boundaries.

Learning from Reality TV

“In the news today….”

I have not consistently watched an evening news program in years. The bad news deeply affects me. Of course, the news is supposed to report bad news; I don’t think anyone would watch if it were all good news. We are not that kind of society. What’s my proof? The ever present reality show. Some reality shows perpetually promote the worst parts of people. I will admit that when the first Real World aired on MTV, I was glued. I found the series to be fascinating. We could actually watch a group of diverse people try to figure out themselves while living with other people from diverse backgrounds. The angst of being a 20 something while watching 20 somethings was confirmation of the confusion I felt and a glimpse of what was to come. Alas, all good things come to an end.

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Doubt: Final Act (for now)

I sat with the Figure for a very long time. Just a few days shy of one month. I can’t really describe what I was doing while the audience waited for me to make a move. I know for sure that the Figure is still sitting there but I have risen from the couch. I would like to say that I leaped off, I really sort of peeled off the couch. Not the grand entrance to self-confidence as I expected.

I am writing on my blog now but that doesn’t mean I am rid of all doubt. I had some great conversations while on that couch; most conversations in my head and then with supporters who gave me the look of, “Whatever the excuse; just do it” And with those thoughts, that’s what I’m doing. The “Just Do It” Nike marketing campaign folks are geniuses on this one.

Doubt likes to linger in places in your mind. I look on my couch and the Figure is still there, but it’s frozen. The thing with doubt is that it waits for you. It waits for you to open up to it and invite it in. Like the movie vampires; they can eat you if you let them in.

For right now, here’s my action plan for Doubt.

1. Work on a task.

2. If Doubt enters the door, turn to it, look it squarely in the eye and say “Hey”.

3. After exchanging salutations, let Doubt explain why it has arrived. Things like you are lazy, not creative, not assertive, boring, and nobody cares. Let Doubt talk to you and you will notice that it basically says the same thing over and over again. Talk about a lack of creativity. Doubt has some nerve, right?

4. After Doubt has bored you with mundane repetition, extend your appreciation for the feedback and tell Doubt that if it doesn’t have anything interesting or nice to say, then it should leave you alone.

5. Return to working on task.

Act II: Doubt

At the top of the scene, the audience sees me standing there with my head down in fierce attempt to gaze away from the Figure. Shame and fear creeps in me. The Shadowy Figure stands there satisfied because it can feel my spirit deflating.

I slowly lift my head but still averting my eyes and say, “How did you know I wouldn’t and couldn’t keep up with writing for my blog?” The Figure walks away from me. It turns its back to me. The audience sees that the figure is grinning, but the words I hear have a sympathetic, overly sugary tone. It says, “Don’t you know I know you better than anybody? I know you have these big ideas and don’t follow through. That’s just what you do. Look at all the things you said you wanted and they haven’t happened. Look, it’s not your fault. You’ve been so busy and honestly, you’re not that creative anyway. It’s fine if you just give up. Nobody will judge you.” Then, with a full belly laugh , the Figure mockingly says “You may judge yourself but you already knew you would fail. Just give up now. It really is okay. You’re making a fool of yourself anyway!””

This Figure does know me. My body is exhausted and my mind empties of any rational thought.

The Figure turns to me and extends its hand to lead me to the couch. I grab its hand and we sit side-by-side.