Ready?
Learn MoreYou’re doing it again, aren’t you? They are so pleased to see you. You make everyone feel better. You’re the team player who lets everyone shine. Everyone comes to you to solve the problem and to be available and, for the most part, you always achieve that goal. That twinkle in your eye and that pep in your step lets everyone know that you’ve got it right; you’re a winner and such a nice person. Is this you? Is it happening again? Do you get those messages in your head that build you up and lets you know that you must always be there for others? Forget that you’re tired, forget that you haven’t done anything for yourself in so long. You are the master of everyone’s universe. You don’t give to receive. It is your role at work, at home, with friends to never get what you want.
Should Black Folks Get Therapy?
Um, yes. I should should end this post with that response, but I will add to write about why Black folks should get therapy and why they possibly haven’t.
Starting with why we don’t:
1. Because our Mama didn’t need therapy,
2. Because we are told Black folks don’t need therapy,
3. Because we are told therapy is for rich White folk who don’t have anything better to do,
4. Because we don’t tell people our business,
5. Because we think we can handle our own problems, and
6. Because we don’t have the money to waste on therapy.
Ending with why we should:
1. Coming from hard times with harsh childhoods and limited resources does not make us “extra Black”. We tend to believe these hard times have made us stronger. I challenge you to define strong. If strong means you have accepted what has happened and have not allowed previous hard times to impede on the optimism of your future, then perhaps you can manage all of life’s stress with a full heart. If you define strong as forging through life feeling you’ve got to “step to” anybody who thinks for a minute of “getting over,” then I would say that’s a life filled with anxiety.
2. The secret is out: Black folks hurt just like White or any other folk. We have needed and still need to create determination and perseverance and that is emotionally draining. There is no prize for masking hurt. Knowing that you are hurt is not weakness. Pretending you are not hurt makes you feel weaker.
3. “It takes a whole village to raise a child.” -African proverb (Note: you now Africa is a really big continent with a lot of countries; did everybody in Africa say this?) My cynicism aside, we use this proverb to stand proudly on the history that we used to help each other within our own community, BUT nowadays, we don’t go to Anyone to ask for help.
4. For those of us who are receiving some kind of health insurance, do we carefully read our benefit plans to see the range of services that we pay for or that government programs offer? Reading is a gift! You may find mental health care is more affordable than you think. For those of us without health care, how about considering calling somebody and explaining what you need? They may be able to help or refer you to someone who can. Knowledge is a power!
5. Suffering in silence is not sexy. You think you are hiding your pain with great outfits, a fake smile, money in the bank, fancy car, lots of people around you, a dream job and you are that person your family and friends seek when they need help. That makes you think you are not suffering. But, when that voice inside says, “You’re not good enough. You’re a faker. You’re not happy,” it’s time to get it all out so you can be as confident on the inside as you look on the outside.
6. There is absolutely no payoff to not taking care of yourself and not getting help. Ignoring mental health and physical health issues does not make you a better person. You may be the “strong” one that everyone turns to, but what happens to you? When people come to you in need, you become their emotional sponge and absorb their energy. Look carefully at used sponges – lint collects on them, bacteria grows in them and the edges fray. After the sponge can longer absorb (meaning, you as the sponge emotionally falls apart), the sponge gets discarded. If you are the helper in your family and really enjoy that role, know that it can be overwhelming. Let someone help you figure out how to be useful, not used.
Learn MoreDepression
I’ve struggled for weeks trying to type the right message to post about depression. I feared being too clinical, too preachy or too whimsical. This deeply personal video perfectly conveys the symptoms and struggles of depression. You may become slightly uncomfortable at 12:46; please hang in there. The insight is too important to miss.
Wishing you Peace and Prosperity.
Learn MoreFunerals are for the Living
One of my most treasured relatives tells me that funerals are for the living. Funerals are for a time to remember and support and a way of showing the living that there is a reason to live. Depending on your religious or non-religious affiliation, there is an after-life or the body just ceases to exist; either way, the departed has moved on. The living is left with struggle, disappointment, pain, hurt, surprise, despair and sometimes eventually peace.
Given the news of Robin Williams’s death, it would make sense for me to use this space as an homage to all of the celebrities and “notables” who were tortured souls dealing with mental illness and/or substance abuse. I could talk about all of the talent, the feelings of inadequacy some of them may have felt, masking pain and living out-of-step with healthy mental well-being. But, I will leave that to all of the experts and all of the newsanchors who “are trying to make sense of it all.”
Instead, I’d like to focus on the suffering souls of the loved ones who suffer with the tortured. Those who stay up all night with worry, those who wonder if today is the day my loved one will truly self-destruct, those who feel inadequate because their love isn’t enough.
What I have to say to you is simply, do your best and STILL take care of yourself. Deal with your own sadness and anxiety by reaching out to people outside of the tortured soul.
Many years ago, I read The Suicidal Mind by Edwin S. Shneidman and the book echoed what I had been trained to know about the folks in pain. Folks in despair own it and vacuous depths of their pain is often held in secret. My job is to try to show alternatives, give support and resources and ultimately use and believe in hope when the tortured can’t see any signs of hope. Ultimately what I know is that their pain is not about me which gives me the freedom to know that I am a stop on the journey; I am not solely responsible for the journey.
This is my hope for those living in torture, with the tortured. Share your love and compassion everyday, keep hope in your heart, appreciate being part of and not responsible for their journey and take care of your sadness by finding support for you.
If you know of someone in need or you need professional support, contact your insurance company for mental health providers in your area, contact the National Alliance for Mental Illness for resources and support groups, ask your primary care physician for resources, and step up your courage to ask to friends and associates for suggestions on where to go for help. I know people fear stigma, but that is coming from a place of shame and when used negatively, shame can only breed more pain.
Learn MoreFunerals are for the Living
One of my most treasured relatives tells me that funerals are for the living. Funerals are for a time to remember and support and a way of showing the living that there is a reason to live. Depending on your religious or non-religious affiliation, there is an after-life or the body just ceases to exist; either way, the departed has moved on. The living is left with struggle, disappointment, pain, hurt, surprise, despair and sometimes eventually peace.
Given the news of Robin Williams’s death, it would make sense for me to use this space as an homage to all of the celebrities and “notables” who were tortured souls dealing with mental illness and/or substance abuse. I could talk about all of the talent, the feelings of inadequacy some of them may have felt, masking pain and living out-of-step with healthy mental well-being. But, I will leave that to all of the experts and all of the newsanchors who “are trying to make sense of it all.”
Instead, I’d like to focus on the suffering souls of the loved ones who suffer with the tortured. Those who stay up all night with worry, those who wonder if today is the day my loved one will truly self-destruct, those who feel inadequate because their love isn’t enough.
What I have to say to you is simply, do your best and STILL take care of yourself. Deal with your own sadness and anxiety by reaching out to people outside of the tortured soul.
Many years ago, I read The Suicidal Mind by Edwin S. Shneidman and the book echoed what I had been trained to know about the folks in pain. Folks in despair own it and vacuous depths of their pain is often held in secret. My job is to try to show alternatives, give support and resources and ultimately use and believe in hope when the tortured can’t see any signs of hope. Ultimately what I know is that their pain is not about me which gives me the freedom to know that I am a stop on the journey; I am not solely responsible for the journey.
This is my hope for those living in torture, with the tortured. Share your love and compassion everyday, keep hope in your heart, appreciate being part of and not responsible for their journey and take care of your sadness by finding support for you.
If you know of someone in need or you need professional support, contact your insurance company for mental health providers in your area, contact the National Alliance for Mental Illness for resources and support groups, ask your primary care physician for resources, and step up your courage to ask to friends and associates for suggestions on where to go for help. I know people fear stigma, but that is coming from a place of shame and when used negatively, shame can only breed more pain.
Learn More